


firebomb

by thewriterofperfectdisasters



Series: Dee's A.U.gust 2015 (booyah) [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Challenge: A.U.gust, M/M, blind dates, i wasn't intending for it to get this long??, lbr - idfk, this has a shit ending im sorry, this title is the worst im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 08:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4472561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterofperfectdisasters/pseuds/thewriterofperfectdisasters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like, obviously, he wasn’t completely, entirely convinced that he was the tank wearing English teacher the cute brunet’s boss had been telling him about.<br/>But a tank wearing, ex-ROTC and army guy-turned-English teacher with a sister called Fiona? That narrowed it down, and Ian knew for a fact that it was probably him, because he was going to his sister’s work Christmas party that week, <i>and</i> she was trying to set him up with one of the guys there.<br/>Shit, he was totally being set up by Fi with cute butt guy. He would have to thank her in his speech at their wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	firebomb

**Author's Note:**

> the infamous "dick pic au" i've been whining to sam about for the past... week? has it been a week? probably. based off a point on [this](http://im-not-his-keeper.tumblr.com/post/125559930223/mickeyed-fic-where-they-know-each-other-but) list (though slightly altered to fit the situation).

‘I think you’d really like him,’ Fiona said, for the umpteenth time that week. ‘He’s nice, he’s funny, he’s super gay…’

Mickey sighed and fought the urge to slam his head into his keyboard. He settled for groaning loudly. ‘What is with you trying to set me up with your brother?’

‘You’re gay, he’s gay –’

‘We’re meant to be together and adopt a bunch of babies?’ Mickey quirked an eyebrow as he finished her sentence. ‘Don’t you have more important things to do, like, I don’t know, run this damn floor?’

Mickey’s boss gave him a look of amusement, before she headed back to her office. ‘He’s coming to the Christmas party!’ she called back, giving Mickey a thumbs up as she shut her door and twisted the blinds shut.

At that point of his day, Mickey was completely regretting everything that had led up to this moment. It had only been about six weeks since Fiona had found out which team he played for, and ever since, she had been trying to set him up on a date with her brother. Mickey hadn’t seen any photos yet, so he assumed Fiona’s brother had plenty of redeeming qualities, just none of them were his face and/or body.

Fiona was nice, though. She was Southside, just like him, which was a refreshing change, because he was totally convinced that everyone at this stupid cup company would look down their noses at him. (Some did, but he was a big enough guy to ignore them.)

Since Mickey’s father had been imprisoned, with zero chance of parole, he felt more comfortable with a few people knowing he was gay. His sister and most of his brothers were pretty much it, but then Fiona had walked past at a bad time… namely the time he opened a dick pic and grinned happily at it. (She had been a good sport about it, but told him to please keep all dicks under wraps in the workplace, even if he was just doing research for a friend about the joys and dangers of circumcision.) (Mickey had raised an eyebrow at how specific that was, but really did not want to dive into detail, so he just said _“Okay?”_ and turned back to his computer.)

The thing was, Fiona seemed to think Mickey needed to get laid or something, like he had problems finding people to screw. Which he didn’t. Mickey knew how to hunt for someone who ticked his boxes and would then be willing to go into a gross stall at one of the clubs he frequented. Apparently because Mickey didn’t have a boyfriend, Fiona seemed to think he was having problems finding someone.

Mickey just didn’t have a boyfriend because he didn’t _want_ one. (He might’ve also been in a self-imposed dry spell, though, because every guy he met seemed to want more from him, but that wasn’t something she was going to find out – Mickey had intimacy issues and that was no one’s business but his own.)

The only guy who _didn’t_ seem to want more from Mickey was this redhead dude he had met (and fucked, of course) at a club a few months ago. Mickey wasn’t entirely sure of his name, but somehow, his number had still ended up in Mickey’s phone under the contact name _Firebomb_.

They weren’t fucking anymore. Not really. They had fucked a couple times after running into each other at the White Swallow, so Mickey knew he was a nice guy with a great personality and wrapped in the packaging Mickey never knew he wanted. However, Mickey also knew he deserved more than a skittish fuck buddy, grumpy as all Hell to boot.  Occasionally, though, Mickey still kinda craved him.

Specifically, his dick.

It had happened more than once that Mickey had been awake (and rather sexually frustrated) at three in the morning, and he had ended up texting Firebomb and asking for dick pics. (Maybe in his barely conscious state it had been more like begging, but that was completely not his fault. Semi-conscious Mickey had few morals, and that made him a little bit of a sex deprived, whiny baby.)

Because Firebomb was such a nice guy, he always sent one a few minutes later. Which was good, because the guy had a nice dick, and Mickey always managed to get off after receiving a picture of it.

If Mickey was more into the whole _boyfriend_ thing, he would seriously consider dating this guy. Any guy that was okay with sending requested dick pics at three in the morning was a keeper in Mickey’s book.

 

* * *

 

‘Did I mention he’s coming to the Christmas party on Friday?’ Fiona said, pulling Mickey’s brain back to the surface.

‘Hmm?’ Mickey asked, blinking and turning to look up at her. ‘I missed that.’

‘My brother?’

Mickey should’ve guessed. ‘Please stop trying to set me up.’

‘No! I think you’d be good for each other,’ Fiona smiled. ‘He’s really nice and he’s also quite tall. Have I mentioned that yet?’

‘Most likely.’

‘Well, he is. Pretty toned as well. He was in ROTC and the army for a bit, and he wears tank tops a lot.’

That was probably the first thing Fiona had said that had actually spiked Mickey’s interest. ‘Oh really?’

‘Yup. He teaches English now.’

A hot teacher? Sign Mickey right the fuck up. ‘That sounds interesting.’

Fiona grinned triumphantly. ‘You wanna meet him now you know that, huh?’

‘Making me sound shallow,’ Mickey moaned. ‘ _Yes_.’

‘Success!’ Fiona said happily, high fiving one of the other ladies who had been helping her set Mickey up. ‘I’m glad you want to meet him, because I’ve told him all about you.’

‘You have?’

‘Yeah, he thinks you sound adorable.’

‘That better not be a direct quote.’

‘It is, but I doubt it will stay that way once he’s met you,’ Fiona said solemnly, hand over her heart.

Mickey rolled his eyes. ‘Do you try to set up _everyone_ who comes to work here?’ he asked, turning back to his computer and trying to make it look like he was busy filling in a spreadsheet.

‘Only the tiny, grumpy ones,’ Fiona shrugged. ‘I’m gonna let you get back to fucking around with that completely filled spreadsheet. Wear a nice shirt on Friday, okay?’

‘I’ll be sure to wear the dirtiest one I can find,’ Mickey assured her, keeping his eyes fixed on his screen, until she eventually wandered away.

 

* * *

 

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [19:42]  
_ ** _my boss keeps tryin to set me up w her bro. why does this keep happenin to me??_

**_Text From: Firebomb [19:47]  
_ ** _this has happened more than once???_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [19:49]  
_ ** _my sister tried to set me up when she found out about the whole dick/butts situation_

**_Text From: Firebomb [19:52]_ ** _  
why is everyone so interested in ur sex life?_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [19:55]  
_ ** _man ur guess is as good as mine_

**_Text From: Firebomb [19:58]  
_ ** _does her bro sound hot at least??_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [20:01]  
_ ** _idek. “he was in rotc and the army and wears tank tops a lot”???_

**_Text From: Firebomb [20:03]  
_ ** _a lot of people prob do that tho_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [20:05]  
_ ** _right???? “he’s an english teacher now” like that doesn’t help me i need his face or smth_

**_Text From: Firebomb [20:10]  
_ ** _what did u say was the name of ur boss?_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [20:12]  
_ ** _fiona. why??_

**_Text From: Firebomb [20:14]  
_ ** _no reason_

 

* * *

 

_Small fucking world._ That was the first thought that popped into Ian’s head when he put it all together. Like, obviously, he wasn’t completely, _entirely_ convinced that he was the tank wearing English teacher the cute brunet’s boss had been telling him about.

But a tank wearing, ex-ROTC and army guy-turned-English teacher with a sister called Fiona? That narrowed it down, and Ian knew for a fact that it was probably him, because he was going to his sister’s work Christmas party that week, _and_ she was trying to set him up with one of the guys there.

Shit, he was totally being set up by Fi with cute butt guy. He would have to thank her in his speech at their wedding.

It was only Tuesday now, though, which meant he was going to have to sit on the knowledge that he and cute butt guy (what had Fiona said his name was? Mike? Mikey?) had already met, were pretty good friends, and were very familiar with each other’s… equipment.

Ian had never been so glad he had moved out of home, because there was no fucking way he would be able to keep this from Fi if he hadn’t.

 

* * *

 

**_Text From: Firebomb [22:40]  
_ ** _lookin forward to ur thing on friday???_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:42]  
_ ** _not really tbh_

**_Text From: Firebomb [22:43]  
_ ** _why not????_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:44]  
_ ** _what if dude is gross??? can't say to my boss “sorry ur bro is ugly and im not gonna tap that”_

**_Text From: Firebomb [22:45]  
_ ** _hahahaha what if he’s not tho??_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:45]  
_ ** _THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES HE’S NOT_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:46]  
_ ** _besides, if he is and we date or whatever, i'll probs have to stop requestin dick pics from u won’t i??_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:46]  
_ ** _which would be a tragedy bc ur dick is pretty_

**_Text From: Firebomb [22:47]  
_ ** _flattery huh? u tryna say smth??_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:48]  
_ ** _interpret as u will ;)_

**_Text From: Firebomb [22:53]  
_ ** _[picture received] did i interpret right??_

**_Text Sent: Firebomb [22:54]  
_ ** _;) ;) ;) yes_

 

* * *

 

By Wednesday, Mickey was contemplating not going to the Christmas party. However, the uncharacteristic dread he felt concerning his blind date was nothing compared to the completely rational fear that Fiona would castrate him if he backed out.

Mickey decided it would be best to just gird his loins and meet the poor fuck being set up by his sister.

 

* * *

 

Thursday rolled around, and Ian was practically buzzing with the knowledge that his blind date was definitely not a blind date, and was in fact the very person he actually would not have minded dating in the slightest.

Had cute butt guy actually _allowed_ them to date. (Ian hadn’t asked, but so far he got the distinct feeling that it would not work in his favour if he did.)

 

* * *

 

Friday night, and Mickey was less nervous and more pissed off that he had ended up in this situation in the first place. If Firebomb hadn’t flopped his dick out and sent a picture to him, then Mickey would still be flying happily under Fiona’s gaydar.

As it was, she sent him home almost an hour early to make sure he would get himself “presentable” for her brother at the Christmas party. Mickey wasn’t even entirely sure how the fuck the guy had managed to get himself invited to the party in the first place, because as far as Mickey knew, he had never worked at the cup place.

Then again, Fiona was dating one of the higher ups, so it probably served as a family Christmas do as well. (If Fiona’s whole family was going to be there, witnessing the no doubt awkward exchange between Mickey and her brother, then Mickey would probably just turn around and pretend he got lost on the way to the function or something. Maybe he would have to come up with a realistic excuse, like shooting himself in the foot.) (He could totally get Mandy to do that. He probably wouldn’t even need to bribe her.)

Nevertheless, Mickey made a small effort for Fiona, knowing full well she would hate him for purposefully sabotaging any chance he may have had with her mysterious brother (who he still had very little knowledge of). He put on a nice shirt, and even put a bit of cologne on at Mandy’s request (“Mickey, you can’t just wear that shirt. I got you that fucking cologne for a reason, so fucking _woo_ the fucker!”) before he grabbed his coat, and was out the door and off to the damn Christmas party.

 

* * *

 

Mickey had never been to this place before – never really been in this part of town before, either. It was some random, upscale restaurant that Fiona’s boyfriend had picked out, but despite all the looks he got as he walked in, hoping desperately it was the right place, Mickey knew there was an open bar, so that was what he kept reminding himself of as he walked swiftly through to the function room. Stick Mickey in a circle of gun wielding psychopaths any day over this crowd of judgemental, grey haired dicks.

Mickey calmed down a bit as he saw people he recognised from work, and breathed a sigh of relief as he scanned the room and saw someone else he knew. It didn’t immediately register with him that Firebomb, the cute redhead, should have no reason to be there, but he made his way over, shedding his coat and flinging it over the chair beside Firebomb.

‘Hey,’ Mickey grinned. ‘What brings you here? You don’t work with me, do you?’

‘Nah,’ Firebomb said, shaking his head gently. ‘I’m here due to peer pressure.’

‘Ah,’ Mickey nodded. ‘Peer pressure. From who?’

‘Peers. That’s why it’s called peer pressure,’ Firebomb raised an eyebrow and laughed at Mickey’s scowl. ‘My sister made me come.’

‘Oh? Who’s your sister?’

‘Ian!’ Fiona interrupted, entering the room and their conversation as she strode across the room to them. ‘I see you’ve found Mickey. Mickey, this is my brother, Ian, the one I’ve been telling you about.’

Mickey blinked and looked between them. ‘Uhh…’

‘How did you know it was him?’

‘We’re attracted to each other,’ Ian said smoothly. ‘Like magnets. We gays just naturally flock together.’

‘Like magnets?’ Fiona asked.

‘Magnets don’t _flock_. We’re birds. Pretty birds, huh, Mickey?’ Ian winked at Mickey, nearly sending the latter into cardiac arrest.

‘Uhh…’ Mickey added.

‘Quite right,’ Ian agreed, nodding sagely. ‘Wise beyond your years.’

‘Fuck off, firebomb,’ Mickey muttered, regaining enough of his wits to speak coherently.

Ian grinned happily as Fiona smiled triumphantly to herself. ‘I’m going to leave you two to get a bit more… acquainted.’

‘We’re pretty fucking acquainted already,’ Mickey murmured as she left, before he turned to Ian and narrowed his eyes. ‘So your name is Ian and your sister is my boss.’

‘Yep.’

‘And you knew, I’m guessing.’

‘Yep.’

‘I kind of want to kick you, but I kind of don’t, because I’m kind of glad it’s you.’

‘Only kind of?’ Ian asked innocently. ‘I’m _kind of_ hurt.’

‘Fuck off,’ Mickey said, no real heat to his voice. ‘Know what this means though?’

‘What does it mean?’

Mickey grinned. ‘You can keep sending me dick pics.’

Ian laughed. ‘It would be my honour.’

**Author's Note:**

> i have a few more things planned for this month! hopefully it won't take me too long to get them done c: tbh, a couple i've already started so... shouldn't be too hard ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
